Some Things Dont Change

I have come to the conclusion that I am never going to change. I am who I am and that’s that. Nothing I can do about it now. However, I am also pretty sure that there a few things I can change about myself. Like how I am out going when I am sure I can’t fail at anything, which isn’t awesome. The guy who made the light bulb failed like so many times before he actually figured it all out. So then why can’t I get myself to think like that, why can’t I think be okay with failing a few times?
All of this was brought to mind last night when we went over to a teachers house to just hang out and learn how to ‘country dance’ since a bunch of us are going to the rodeo on Saturday night. A whole bunch of people were trying to learn how to dance – some people were really good while others weren’t so much. But everyone was having fun, even the people on the side, which I was one of them. But on my walk back to my room, I realized that I could have been having more fun dancing in the middle, well at least trying to learn how to dance like that. However, I was afraid of failing and being like super bad at it and having everyone know. Instead of having people know whether I am bad or good at ‘country dancing’, I have people who know that I don’t step outside of my comfort zone; I don’t want to look silly. Which isn’t totally true. I am completely out of my comfort zone in some areas since I am here and then I do tend to look silly most of the time.
All this doesn’t mean I am going to go dance on Saturday and it doesn’t mean I am going to stop being silly or anything. It just means that there are some things that I wish would change about me. However, for those to change means I have to change and make it partly a mental thing and I am not sure if I am ready for that right yet.
love,
a.m.

Indian Tradition

This week’s guest speaker is from India. He runs the Torchbearers there, so it is amazing that he has the time to come to Texas and teach all of us. There is so much I would love to say about him but since it is all about his life, I won’t. All I will say is that he has been through so much and that it is amazing he is still alive today. He has the type of life people write books about, just the craziest and scariest things happening but through it all God was protecting him, even before he began to believe. That is the kind of testimony that changes live and it sure has in the past few days as we’ve listen to him talk and tell us stories about his life that go along with what he wants to teach us about the bible and God.
So, he has been going over Malachi with us. Which I thought was a little strange at first since it is the last book of the Old Testament and we are also in class with Kelly going over Genesis. We are learning in the same week about the first book and the last book. I don’t think I had even read Malachi before this, so when he said that’s what he’s teaching on, I thought it’d be pretty important for me to read it right away. Which I did and now am very thankful for since I know what he talking about and which verse he is referring too at times.
The main theme of all of his talks (by the end of the week he’ll have talked to us in class 10 times) are about how if God isn’t the first thing in your life all other relationships fail. We have to remember that God comes first because without him we are nothing, and we’d have nothing. I wouldn’t be down here in Texas if it wasn’t for God. I had other plans for my life, which weren’t what God was planning and he made it pretty clear that I was not following his instruction for my life by cancelling my England plans. But now I see that this was the best place for me to be, I have so much to learn about myself still before I can just jump into the world and say here I am. I also had a lot to learn about God, like yeah I’ve read my bible and went to a Christian school for six years. However, those cannot even compare to what I’ve learned this past week. I’d probably be fair to say that I have learned more this past week than I did any of my bible classes. Not that I had bad teachers or anything, I love them all and have learned things from them but this is all about God all the time. Here everyone has put God first so when he started talking about it I was like well isn’t that why we are here is because we are putting God first. However, as time went on I began to realize that we might be here because of God but there are still things here that can get put in front of God, like doing our homework, being with friends can both take away from our personal time with God.

Love,
a.m.

More Info

It’s now time to fill you all in on my life, since I haven’t had time yet really to get all the details out there. I am in a room with four other girls from all over the world – one German, Sarah, one African, Marie Ann, one American, Noelle and then another Canadian, Josie. I am on a top bunk which isn’t as bad as I thought it might be. I have a closet and three large drawers for my clothing and other random stuff and then I share a desk with Sarah. Our room doesn’t have a bathroom as part of it so we have to go down the hallway to the shared bathroom; there are eight girls who share it. There is more than enough room for all of us in there; I don’t think all eight of us have even been in there all at the same time yet. But I am sure it will happen at some point. Saturday and Sundays are pretty free for us to do whatever we want, since it is the first Saturday we had a trip to Wal-Mart. Almost everybody came on the trip since most of us aren’t from around here. I didn’t want to spend too much money but I knew there was a few things I had to get and I only ended up spending 58 dollars. I have to go back next weekend again though because the photo area what behind on printing and wasn’t able to get my photos printed so they discounted them for me and I told them I would be back next weekend on the Wal-Mart trip to pick them up. So I have to go another week without any pictures of well anything up. But once I get them, my part of the room will look so pretty!!

Yesterday we got our first homework and it’s not due until Friday so I have a bit of time to do it. All it is right now is reading and then writing about what you read so like a summary I guess. Not too bad for the first while. Our reading is starting in Genesis and then going through the Old Testament from there. We’ve only had like maybe two classes and already there has been so much learning and so many like wow moments. This year is going to be filled with lots of those moments I am pretty sure, which is just super exciting! They have mainly everything on lock down like internet hours, no watching movies on computers and lights out time. It’s not that bad and it’s pretty easy to follow the rules but I am sure there will be times when it’ll get a little annoying.

Love,

a.m.

Day One ish

Here I am in Texas now. This is pretty crazy still; it has its moments where it doesn’t feel real yet. The transition into life here hasn’t been that bad, everyone is so friendly because otherwise they’d be complete loners and that would not be fun at all. It’s only the second day and I’ve already learned so much. I can’t believe I am actually in Texas, it’s always been my favorite state but I never thought I would actually get to live here for a whole year and be a part of this ministry. I am so excited to see what God has planned for this year, there is so much going on all the time and always people to hang with. It probably isn’t a better place to live actually, we’ll see if I say that by the end of the year, I might hate it by the end. You just never know really.

My flights were good, might actually be the smoothest flights I have ever had. I still have a strange love for airports, which just might never die. You always meet the craziest of peoples there and see some cra cra things. Anyways, cant say too much now cause computer is going to die.

Love,

a.m.

Number One

All morning I had been thinking, it’s okay, I can still back out. It had sort of become my theme for the summer, backing out of things and running away from real life. I apparently wasn’t ready for life after high school, people can tell you about how its way more fun and how things will be hard but you never really understand until you are there, until you are done high school and entering the real world unable to turn back and say not yet. That’s where I am now, I can’t turn back, I can’t say I am not ready yet because I am as ready as I would ever be, so I have to take that last step and enter the real world of hard times and having to push through whatever is thrown my way. I know there will be hard times coming for me and I know there will be times when I will want to turn around and run for my parent’s home. But I know that I can’t, I have waited my whole life to be on my own and now I am so I have to take it as it comes because that’s what I asked for.
During the summer I didn’t work because I was afraid, I had worked in the summer time before. There was nothing to be afraid of but I was and that was the simple fact, however it didn’t seem so simple then. Looking back over everything that happened I don’t regret anything that happened or the choices I made. I made them for me, I was only looking out for number one and maybe that’s wrong. But who else is going to look out for me the way I do. No one, there  is only me who knows  how I am feeling and what I truly want for me so it is only fair that I am always looking out for number one. Now, in the real world I am truly the only one looking out for me, the only one that is going to take care of myself, I don’t have parents who will run to my side the second I need them now. They are having their own lives and making their own friends now that they actually have time to have lives. So, it is only fair I give them that now and not call on them every time I am thinking that I am dying which does happen to be a lot. So the lesson I have to learn is how to be on my own, how to not need people so much and try to do things myself – to look out for number one.

Starting Over

I have started this over three times because I honestly don’t have that much to say about leaving. I’m not normally someone lost for words, there is always something to be said and I always know what that something is until now. I am sure there is something to be said about it all however, whatever it is I don’t know what it is. Maybe that has to do with that fact that it hasn’t clicked yet that I am moving away from home for the year but everything is in order for me to go now. So, here I go into the huge fish bowl of life and I don’t know how I feel about that. There are no feelings that I can put to words or even thoughts for me to try and understand. That’s why I am having such a hard time to know what to say about this whole thing.

I have moved a few times in my life and I have normally always felt something – sad, mad, happy, and/or confused.  But I am not sad about leaving. It’s time to leave; I’ve lived in Regina for three years and had a good time here and now it’s just time to leave for a while. I’m not mad about leaving or about where I am going and how it was the second plan or about the limit of stuff I can take. There is nothing to be mad about at all. I am happy to go on my own adventure and to see new things. However, I wouldn’t say I am overly happy, not like a hyper happy. I’m just happy with life at this moment.  At this point I wouldn’t say I am confused but it is possible at some point tomorrow I will be confused. So, that’s how I feel, over all that is a little confusing right there. I am sure tomorrow will come with a lot more emotions than today.  

love,
a.m.

Unforgettable

I decided that I wanted to pack everything of mine up into box's before I left, which meant I would have to go through all my stuff and figure out what I really wanted to keep, what needed to be put into the garbage and what was going to be sent to Value Village. I started over a week ago and am not at the point where most of the things left can put packed away into my boxes. My whole life is coming down to being able to be put into three large box's (please note that does not include any of my clothing). There once was a time where I had a lot of stuff and keep everything because I was wondered I would forget something, even if it wasn't important to me. But that time has passed, if I forget things and I will forget some things then they really weren't that important to me in the first place. So, I shouldn't be worrying about forgetting things because the most important things in my life are unforgettable.

Let me show you a few...

I don't remember when this picture was taken and I can't remember my first memory of Kaleb either but that doesn't make him any less my brother. It also doesn't mean I would ever forget him.

For three years, I got to spend my days looking at this all the time; it was the view from my home. There is no way I could forget this even if I tried.

One of the biggest milestones in my life so far, graduation from High School. That was a pretty big deal and made my face feel pretty sore the next day but I wouldn't change a thing about it, I want to remember those days just the way they happened.

I met these two girls in Guatemala on a mission trips I went on with my school in grade 11. We played, laughed and picked grass together in their school yard. That was one day, just a few short hours spent together that will never ever be forgotten.

Dallas Green.
City & Colour.
Best Concert Ever.
Unforgettable. 














love,
a.m.